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katimus_prime) wrote2019-05-03 12:37 pm
katimus_prime) wrote2019-05-03 12:37 pm
Knightface Talk!
So I talked to my therapist about Knightface in my last session because the day of the appointment while I was showering, I had a shower thought. I'm no longer Theo, and that's pretty huge for me because I clung to him and Cherenkov so hard for so long.
Cut because details and spoilers for the end of Knightface.
Thinking about trauma other than college trauma, and not letting it be the one bad thing that happened to me has gone a long way to evening me out. I'm still me and I take myself wherever I go and I'm responsible for my own happiness and I'm still not so great at it, but I'm no longer constantly pointing back to this one thing and blaming everything wrong in my life on it.
I've rebuilt myself but other things keep getting lobbed at me. I've been learning to rebuild myself and put something between me and my audience, to be more selective with choosing friends and telling them about my limits and that I want to be respected and how I find certain things disrespectful and letting myself be mad at people who hurt me, and Theo never got that far.
Theo was me at my most vulnerable, and speaking and writing from his perspective kept me where I was for a really long time. I understand where and who I was at the time the damage happened, but where I thought I became permanently fused to him, it turns out it was a shell I could outgrow. I did the same with Cherenkov but I've had such a hard time admitting it, even when asked. Theo and Cherenkov are thought experiments I used to keep myself from falling apart when I needed to heal, and I'm not ready to let go entirely, but I'm at a place where I can think about trying to.
My therapist suggested that I let Theo die at the end. I'm not certain how I want to do it - I might let his death just be a happy ending several years after the conflict at hand, old and passing in peace. I also had an idea where Rex forces Karlen to kill him so he can summon Yvenna's power for himself, and also an idea where Rex does it because Karlen can't. I've thought of Sol Arcan killing Theo, but they don't have that much of a thing between them. I'm still not sure if I want to have Veledra or Evandus die either. Maybe it's best if all four of them die so they don't have to live on in my head in a painful state. I've had my revenge and I'm ok with that time in my life having ended.
I also need to incorporate the ridiculously intricate metaplot with the time travel and how Aan Zaneta and Zunsalaa and Yvenna became what they are on planet Yanon. There's so much I want to do but I have very little time on my hands and I'm ?!?!!!! on where to start.
I had planned for Knightface to drag on indefinitely but the thought of ending it sooner rather than later is exciting to me.
Cut because details and spoilers for the end of Knightface.
Thinking about trauma other than college trauma, and not letting it be the one bad thing that happened to me has gone a long way to evening me out. I'm still me and I take myself wherever I go and I'm responsible for my own happiness and I'm still not so great at it, but I'm no longer constantly pointing back to this one thing and blaming everything wrong in my life on it.
I've rebuilt myself but other things keep getting lobbed at me. I've been learning to rebuild myself and put something between me and my audience, to be more selective with choosing friends and telling them about my limits and that I want to be respected and how I find certain things disrespectful and letting myself be mad at people who hurt me, and Theo never got that far.
Theo was me at my most vulnerable, and speaking and writing from his perspective kept me where I was for a really long time. I understand where and who I was at the time the damage happened, but where I thought I became permanently fused to him, it turns out it was a shell I could outgrow. I did the same with Cherenkov but I've had such a hard time admitting it, even when asked. Theo and Cherenkov are thought experiments I used to keep myself from falling apart when I needed to heal, and I'm not ready to let go entirely, but I'm at a place where I can think about trying to.
My therapist suggested that I let Theo die at the end. I'm not certain how I want to do it - I might let his death just be a happy ending several years after the conflict at hand, old and passing in peace. I also had an idea where Rex forces Karlen to kill him so he can summon Yvenna's power for himself, and also an idea where Rex does it because Karlen can't. I've thought of Sol Arcan killing Theo, but they don't have that much of a thing between them. I'm still not sure if I want to have Veledra or Evandus die either. Maybe it's best if all four of them die so they don't have to live on in my head in a painful state. I've had my revenge and I'm ok with that time in my life having ended.
I also need to incorporate the ridiculously intricate metaplot with the time travel and how Aan Zaneta and Zunsalaa and Yvenna became what they are on planet Yanon. There's so much I want to do but I have very little time on my hands and I'm ?!?!!!! on where to start.
I had planned for Knightface to drag on indefinitely but the thought of ending it sooner rather than later is exciting to me.
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I kinda ran into the same problem with Ray, and had to work out what I was going to do with this character. In the end, he's still here, but he's not the same person he was when he came to me. Just like I'm not the same person either.
My first boyfriend taught me how to say "no".
Arizona taught me to say "hell no".
Virginia taught me to say "fuck no."
And a constant round of short-term employment has taught me that it's not my fault, there are things beyond my control, and all I can do is keep going. I'm still here. I cannot be killed by pettiness and incompetence. Maybe bitterness and spite isn't the best reason, but it's what I've got. :P
I had a point. It wandered off.
Um.
Oh yeah. I think the idea of finishing that story and starting a new one sounds really cool. ^^
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Theo will always be here, for my part of it. He's just not me anymore, like I thought he was. I wanted so much to belong to something back then, but that desire was dangerous and I'm glad I've managed to get out, over and past it. Now time for more, different danger I guess.