katimus_prime | Xenogears

Series: Xenogears
Characters: Id talks to Ramsus at Point Spoilers about his spoilers
Warnings: Talk of abuse and violence
Implied Pairings: Not really
Song Credit: Seeming - Holy Fire
Other: This is meant to fit into Asymptote somewhere but I have no idea when I'll be able to slow down and get everything together for it. I was hoping to get this in a better state by the 20th anniversary of the game, but it feels unfinished/unworthy of posting around. Asymptote is huge AU so I'm kinda self-conscious trying to hype it around. Also I projected a bunch of my feels onto Id instead of Ramsus this time.

Immersed in cults and chemicals
Polaroids and pentacles
I read the scholarship
I learned the science of the centerfolds

The torture continued until blood and death and revenge were all I could think about. Nothing was holy. Nothing was worth keeping. My parents did not protect me, and no one else stood up to stop it. Cold steel, needles, intense pain. Even after I killed Mother, they came for me and took me back there. When I could, I tore through Krelian's countless idiotic orderlies until he was out of staff to deal with me. I stood face to face with him, swept at him like I swept at Mother, but he did not die. He started trying to talk to me like a human being. I hated him then, and I hate him now, but then I learned if I obeyed, it didn't need to be as bad as it was. I obeyed, and played Krelian's game for a while.

Stay human said the dusk
Stay human said the wind
But I stared into sun
And now I’ve seen beyond the end

I showed them all what I was truly capable of at Elru. I didn't care about the world or the people in it. No amount of words swayed me. No art or culture moved my heart. No one deserved to live but me, and after it all, I knew I would eventually die as well, so doing the most damage where I could became the goal. Making a small man pay the price for my silence and torture was only a pittance of what I was owed - my childhood. My freedom.

I’ve got no time to pray
I’ve got no time to think
No time to move a muscle
I’ve got no time to blink

I was the empty vessel
The beast that hunts
I wanted something
Now there’s everything at once

I ran away that day at Elru, away from Krelian and his soft, intricate, cruel plans. The masked man took me under his wing although I was a feral beast. There was no need for words in my world - I expressed myself only though the deaths of others. The world that allowed this to happen did not deserve to exist, so I killed, and killed, and killed. I sought the Power and he led me to it.

The sky multiplies and subdivides
The atoms in between
I leave behind the lie so serene

Now I can’t deny the holy fire
Better left unseen

The first time I gazed upon the Zohar Modifier, I cried. I had no idea why, but I wept before it. Grahf explained to me, the story of the Wave Existence. How it came to be trapped here, the power it held, and why I needed to serve it faithfully.

I could’ve been well satisfied
I could’ve stemmed this appetite
I could’ve walked a lifetime
In the passage of the pacified

However, I was still just an angry child. I didn't want a higher purpose, even though I knew it was there waiting for me. All I wanted to do was kill, and take revenge for myself. Grahf still found me useful despite this, and agreed to train me.

I could’ve kept my face
I could’ve kept my name
If I’d stopped instead of
Pushing through the barricade of flame

He taught me how the world worked, its history, the stories that fueled the faith of the people, and their languages, but I still preferred to simply kill. When I found out that he was Lacan, his relationship with Krelian, Krelian's relationship with Miang, Miang's relationship with Deus, I found his supposed allegiance to the Wave Existence hypocritical. He only existed as a shadow for his sin. His actions created Krelian, yet he took no responsibility. Though I was angry, this was the first time I was able to see the value in something other than death.

It sure looked like the ending
It sure looked like the goal
It sure looked beautiful
But beauty only wants control

I planned to kill Grahf, but he was the one person I couldn't beat. The Wave empowered him just beyond my capabilities because I did not truly heed its call. I started to feel this much more keenly the longer his hypocrisy stood out to me. I made my first true communion with the Wave just before it was too late.

I could’ve drunk the wisdom
The dignified response
But I had to go and knock the door
To everything at once

Touching it would have killed anyone other than myself. I felt my death hundreds of times over through the eyes of other men, who were also me. I remembered everything, everything! The toddler who stumbled into the brains of a planet-killing weapon, the scientist who tried to save his people by attempting to give them alternative means of reproduction, the man who tried to train me to accept my destiny, yes, but also the countless lives where I got to live away from the high drama. Lives where I got to have an idyllic childhood, where I loved people unabashedly and was loved in return, where I could be and was, a good person, all bombarded me until it made sure I understood the lesson of each one before letting me return to normal human consciousness.

The sky multiplies and subdivides
The atoms in between
I leave behind the lie so serene

For the first time, I felt that there was something I could do. And that thing was to dismantle Solaris at any cost. I accepted the plight of the Wave Existence, but still wasn't sure if I could be a man who could interact with normal human beings after all the horror I had been put through. When Grahf sought out a new body in Khan Wong, I accompanied him on a whim, but what I did not expect to happen was for Khan to defeat me. When he defeated me, the winfall of it was that I lost my long term memory, and finally got three years to be dopey, unharassed, unassuming, innocent, Fei Fong Wong.

Now I can’t deny the holy fire
Better left unseen

Fei Fong Wong never quite got to exist. He's the break I needed to correct my path from one of mindless bloodshed to apply my power in the proper way. To knock over the right things in order to dismantle Deus' plans. Krelian was able to beat me by finding me early, and making me so angry that I became useless to the Wave even when the Zohar Modifier was sitting right in front of me for the years Grahf trained me.

I can't let this victory be final. Not when there's so much at stake.

"Now that I can truly see value of humanity, I can understand and apologize for what you went through on account of me. I don't expect a single thing from you, but I will do everything I can to support you if you stand against Krelian by my side, Ramsus. I am wise enough now to realize that this is something I cannot do alone. You are strong enough to help me stop this, and the way you have been used calls for an appropriate response. I know a lot about revenge, and knowing what I know about you, I am in a position to help make it a reality."

"When I was young, the prospect of ending the last twenty years of Krelian's ambition fueled me to rise to the top of the class at Jugend after emerging from a dumpster without a body. The prospect of ruining everything he's worked toward for the past 500 years...even if I were to die in the process, would be worth it."

"It's only been 500 years for Krelian, but it's been 10,000 for Miang."

"And would redeem the honor of Emperor Cain."

"I wish I could have made Cain see reason. I'm glad I was able to see that you could, Ramsus. You do him credit."

"After a lifetime of mistakes, I'm glad to have finally seen the truth."

Fei turned to look at him and nodded. "Some people never wake up at all."

Ramsus looked up at Xenogears, transformed by System Id to a bright ruby color for the moment. The land around them was barren and volcanic, and Id's eyes were focused on the rectangular crater where the Zohar Modifier had been.

"I used to think that because you had power, you could have anything you wanted, but there's so little here. "

"Destruction doesn't need to be extravagant. All I needed was what I could carry."

Xenogears - Holy Fire

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