katimus_prime: (Betheal - Scroll)
2017-09-06 12:57 pm

Sometimes You're Vegeta, and Other Times, You're Vegeta

I oscillate between having immense pride and no pride and that can't be good for me.
katimus_prime: (Betheal - Scroll)
2017-08-23 05:44 pm

(no subject)

The breakdown I had in 2004 was just one event that damaged me. It damaged me really badly, but there was also no preventing it. Before then, I hadn't learned several very important lessons, and it took years after it to learn some of them. I'm extremely stubborn and I don't like to admit when I need to learn something. If I don't like the teacher, my refusal to learn is stronger.

When I was young I wanted to experience as much as I could, but I limited myself to only going after things I thought I wanted, ignoring when things were bad for me because I liked most of what I got from something. I got frustrated when I would lose out to something when I'd worked so hard to try to get someone to like me. It's not charisma that'll truly fix things - it's genuine effort.

Not sure why I prefaced this post with that statement, but I've been having a bunch of trouble dealing with my grandfather's death in the same way I had trouble dealing with my grandmother's death in 2004. I could feel her presence almost everywhere I went, and it freaked me out and made me upset because her death had been long and painful and a relief when it was over. The feeling of her so close after all that made all the pain and upset seem like a waste. Get hurt, cry, move on didn't apply and I had no idea how to deal with it.

My foray into the occult with the people I knew in college had put an un-genuine anime filter on my perception of the after life and I began to think I was going to offend or upset people by telling them that their loved ones were still with them and that they loved them.

I can sense my grandfather around pretty strongly at the moment. That and the presence of whatever passes for guardian angel these days. Not sure who I can open up to about it without getting carted back to a mental institution though. I have too much to lose if I go through something like that. I guess that's the bad part of being successful - when you only ever lose, losing isn't so bad, but when you break the streak, shit starts crashing down. The fear of failure, the velocity of the crash back to the earth, makes me not want to try to succeed at all anymore, but there's also now the fact that if I don't at least attempt, it holds people who depend on me back.

I guess I need to find an imaginary happy medium between getting over my fear of failure and protecting myself from the things that freak me out. Oh and acknowledging harder truths without stabbing myself on them, and seeing the beauty in the world.

TL;DR I wish life was less complicated.
katimus_prime: (Default)
2017-06-20 06:56 pm

(no subject)

Watchin Harvey with my grandpop, like I was doin 30 years ago.
katimus_prime: (Kain - ...)
2017-06-04 02:14 am

(no subject)

Hahaha, the inferiority complex I got from my mom's sister's perfect family got a boost when my aunt re-posted a thing about something my mother never did making her kids stronger. I'm tempering this with the fact that there's not a whole lot of creativity on that side of the family and it's leaning very red, so, olly me the hell out. I don't need the lizard-brain pain.

I'm broken but I'm fucking glorious. Fuck you.
katimus_prime: (Digimon - That's Special)
2017-05-22 12:05 am

Won't You Be My NB Neighbor?

Read more... )

TL;DR, watching Mr. Rogers all weekend was a relaxing experience aside from the antiquated reinforcement of the gender binary, but it's so hard to feel comfortable anywhere these days that I'm taking in my good energy where I can get it.
katimus_prime: (Betheal - Scroll)
2017-04-29 06:23 pm

Feeling Some Negative Feels

I didn't wanna hork this up all over the bigger, faster, flashier social media platforms, so I'm gonna hide this here instead.

Read more... )
katimus_prime: (Dune - FUCK YEARH!)
2017-01-30 12:54 pm

(no subject)

This is the most edgelord idea I've come up with in a long time.

FFXV Spoilers

Read more... )
katimus_prime: (Default)
2017-01-06 02:37 am

I Am FFXV Trash But Sick of Tumblr Fandom So I'm Putting Things Here

I'm too old and have no more time for negativity in my life so I'm going to put my dumb ideas here for now.

So far on the plate:
Ardynquest (to the tune of Brodyquest)
Dude, Where's My Arm? (A mock advertisement for DLC in which you play as Ravus waking up from being blackout drunk. He is less his Magitek arm and the object of the game is to find it (and run around scenic Niflheim in the process).
katimus_prime: (Albedo - PONY!)
2016-08-13 01:54 am

(no subject)

And then sometimes there are days when Soraya Saga likes my Jojo fanart and I get so happy.
katimus_prime: (Kain - Baa-urrr)
2016-07-14 12:20 pm

MMOH NOOOOOO

I may have accidentally looked like a bot got ahold of my account when I went to scrounge around for crafting materials last time I was on Work Game at home. May have accidently ruffled someone's feathers. I regret interacting with any other human. This never would have happened if i were playing Dragonquest 4.
katimus_prime: (Dale Cooper)
2016-05-13 12:51 pm

(no subject)

Sorting through almost 15k files of old art from 1998-2012, I've realized that I always try to RP as the white-haired sweetheart and end up miserable because I've been too nice to everyone to say no. I'm always swinging between being too nice and closing everyone completely off.
katimus_prime: (Kahr)
2016-02-15 12:31 pm

(no subject)

Fuck, I wish I could stop getting stuck in this self-doubt spiral. Nothing has meaning, and that's a good thing, because if it did, I'd be in deep fucking trouble. Tumblr has told me that to keep myself motivated is imperialistic and abusive, and like a dumbass, I listened to it, but I need that little unkind voice in the back of my head that says "Get up, Bambi" and "Reach for it even though you'll never get it." I'd never turn that self-defense mechanism on anything but myself, but I've found myself just lying down, and I don't like myself when I'm like that. I need to get up, even if I can't stay up. I might doubt my self-worth, but staying down will just make my doubts about my own worth reality. I may be a piece of shit, but I deserve to exist, even if it is just to spite those who tell me I don't deserve to.
katimus_prime: (Kahr)
2015-11-29 02:39 am

(no subject)

"Imagine that, instead of a childhood filled with sensory touch and running around playing, all you had of your perception of the world was your place in the center of Krelian's main laboratory, facing all the parts of your body-to-be in progress while being brought up to speed in your education with knowledge injections. There is no sense of warmth or cold because you've never remembered not being warm. You are not only wanted, but awaited, and beloved by people you don't even know yet. Imagine all of that ending with a pull of a chord, and your first sensation of cold hitting you as the warm nanomachine atmosphere you've been suspended in the first ten years of your life pulls you down with it as it drains out."
katimus_prime: Lyrics from Covenant: https://youtu.be/yBS6WaS0Sfk (Cherenkov - Brave New World)
2015-10-01 11:09 pm

(no subject)

This post is dumb and boring, but I feel really good and at peace with myself right now, and I haven't felt this way in a long time. It's really nice. I think the last time I was this happy was on my wedding day, but this is just lasting background peace. I keep on waiting for it to wear off, but it doesn't seem to be going away.

I think I'm going to soak in as much good feels as I can just in case it does, though.
katimus_prime: (Pellegri - Bananaphone)
2015-09-25 08:53 am

(no subject)

So, the position above me I wanted (or thought I wanted) wasn't in a position to be fulfilled, but I'm officially getting moved back to the game testing side in October! I'm excited to be unchained from the mid-level drudgery of trying to figure out ways of teaching monkeys how API works between doing standardized tests that are as granular as "hover over this link," and being asked to write legal document bugs that will never, ever, ever be fixed, because how dare I even look that close at something like that?
katimus_prime: (Betheal - Scroll)
2015-09-17 01:18 am
Entry tags:

Things We Lost in the Fire

I thought I'd list out some of the things that got ruined by my college drama, in the hopes that it might focus me on getting some of them back. This list might get longer as time passes.

Theology
- Old people calling me an angel when I'm sweet to them
- Jesus Christ Superstar

Songs
- Wumpscut - We Need
- VNV Nation - Beloved (original cut)
- Anything by Evanescence, especially Bring Me to Life

Graphical
- Any affinity for cursive script used in icons or forum graphics

Recurring Dreams
- I'm trapped on a beach with [redacted] and instead of getting to play in the water or the sand, I'm there to lug the stupid amount of uneccessary luggage.
katimus_prime: Lyrics from Covenant: https://youtu.be/yBS6WaS0Sfk (Cherenkov - Brave New World)
2015-09-15 12:57 pm

(no subject)

It's really hard for me to un-learn that my friends don't just like me for my art or my writing. For a long time, I only liked me for my art and my writing, too. I have a scrolling combat text addon in my head that just ticks down my self-worth every time I make a decision that alters my fandom routine.

"Worthless"
"Worthless"
"Worthless"
"Worthless"
"Worthless"
"Selfish"
"Selfish"
"Selfish"
"Selfish"
"Selfish"
"No one cares about this"
"You're ruining everything"
"You're ruining everything"
"You're ruining everything"
"You're ruining everything"
katimus_prime: (Default)
2015-09-13 05:51 pm

(no subject)

So, uh, that felt good. -w-
I think I'm gonna ease up on the FF7 silence stuff.
katimus_prime: (Dune - FUCK YEARH!)
2015-09-13 12:42 pm
Entry tags:

Days Since Last Incident: 0

Title: Days Since Last Incident
Fandom: FF7
Continuity: Stripes
Warnings: Physical violence, business suits


Read more... )
katimus_prime: (Nanami - DJ Nanami)
2015-09-11 11:55 pm

(no subject)

Ugh, why is my sense of self-perception so complicated?!