katimus_prime: (Digimon - That's Special)
A friend of mine IRL said to me once that she liked being around me because I give off good, calm, non-judgemental vibes, and she hoped that she wasn't a drain on those vibes. She isn't, but some people are, and I told her so. Since then I've been thinking about things that drain my patience and will to do things like be nice or get things done. It wasn't until Twitch did their Mr Rogers marathon that I actually felt that calm non-judgemental energy as an outside observer again. I haven't stuck around for all of the Marathon but having it as background noise kept me from curling up and doing nothing like I was afraid I might do while my husband was visiting his friends in VA.

That being said, there's a lot of dumb gender binary stuff - boys are this way, girls are that way, etc - talk laced into some of the cutesy songs he does from time to time. It bothers me a little bit, but also not a lot of people questioned their gender or even gender roles in the 60's, 70's and 80's. Mr. Rogers died in 2003, well before social media brought gender identity issues to the forefront. I'm struggling with my own gender identity issues in private because I'm not able to act on them in any meaningful way that won't also attract attention to myself, so the dumb gender binary stuff is a scratch across an otherwise enjoyable, very human experience.

Acting in kids programming is often stilted or saccharine to the point where you could believe that the humans you're watching aren't real, but Mr. Rogers trades all the plastic polish in for genuine realism. He drops shit, he makes mistakes, the puppets drop things, things end up off key, but they keep going. Things that would have ruined a take on another show remain as a reminder that everyone makes mistakes, even the person on television. It's tactile and important and humble and I like it a lot, except for the small part I don't.

The reason I'm not posting this post on Tumblr is because I'm afraid of someone taking my in-the-middle not-100%-fight-for-everything attitude as an affront. You're only as relevant as your most recent post on Tumblr, and even if I ran some kind of activist blog, I'd still get reamed out by some 12 year old for being off-key about a buzz-word.

I accept people for who they are, and that includes being supportive of who they want to become. I don't know why. Maybe I think people might accept me for who I am in return. I don't want attention, but I like to make people laugh and feel comfortable when they're around me, because there's so much awful shit out there in the real world. If I can make a difference by giving people a chance to relax, it cancels out the black hole of "you don't deserve to exist" that's always standing right behind me.

Seeing Tumblr devolve into a place that black hole feeds off of has been horrifying. Having my chances to do goodwill for people conditional only upon how high I can shriek the Tumblr Core Values is terrible. I will never truly be good enough for Tumblr, so I'm just about ready to give up, pack up, and go home. I want people to be accepted and supported for who they are, but the insistence that only shouting will win the fight for the left is what's killing people. People are flatly rejecting leftist buzz-words because the rhetoric has become so poisonous to otherwise curious outsiders, and it sucks a loooot.

TL;DR, watching Mr. Rogers all weekend was a relaxing experience aside from the antiquated reinforcement of the gender binary, but it's so hard to feel comfortable anywhere these days that I'm taking in my good energy where I can get it.
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